| Throughout history
there has been trials and tribulations. Thanks to technology and some
diligent investigators, I believe that a common link has been found to
all evil and questionable events throughout history, dating back to at
least the mid 1930's!
The common garden Gnome at first glance appears
harmless and almost cute (If you have a thing for Gnomes). However,
recent uncovered evidence has proven that this "harmless" creature
leads a secret life.
THE BEGINNING
Germany, 1929: The Gnomes, after being oppressed and
almost wiped out of existence in World War I seized and opportunity to
secure the longevity of their dwindling society. By forming an
alliance with the National Socialist German Workers Party, led by a
young an enthusiastic Adolf Hitler, the Gnomes pledged to help rebuild
Germany while secretly maneuvering in the background.
As the years moved on, and Adolf seized power, the Gnomes
were appointed to special positions in the German intelligence arena.
To our knowledge, in 1939, hundreds of Gnomes spread across the world
to gather intelligence on every country. Because of their harmless
appearance, they were adopted by almost every country, and placed in
every embassy, presidential palace, even the White House! They
developed a secret code for transmitting messages back to the
Fatherland, and Hitler used this information to unleash a war machine
the likes no one had seen before!
In appreciation of all the Gnome's hard work and dedication, they
were all given honorary SS status and special privileges.
However, as time went on and the United States was drawn into World
War II, the Gnomes, being inherently sneaky, decided to turn double
agents. They knew the might and power of the US military was going to
overcome the German armies, and found that by selling secrets to
Roosevelt and his newly formed intelligence agency the OSS (later to
be called the CIA) that they were much better off. They knew that once
Germany lost the war, they once again would face extinction.
The United States was not the only country the Gnomes were selling
German intelligence to! Although we don't have proof, rumors have been
circulating from the discovery of Russian documents, that the Gnomes
also were selling information to Stalin and his intelligence agency,
the NKVD. It is also rumored that due to the Gnomes inside information
as to the German armies morale, the Russians were able to drive back
German forces and hold them off through a long cold Russian winter.
POST WAR GNOMES
After WW2 ended, the Gnomes primarily enjoyed their existence
peacefully, always keeping in contact. But in 1962, the powerful Gnome
Council came to the realization that THEY could secretly control world
affairs... and that only during times of war and turmoil were they
truly guaranteed a place in society.
The Gnome Intelligence Agency (G.I.A.) set out to create local and
global conflicts, and did so with an efficiency unmatched even today!
They worked in Korea and Vietnam playing countrymen against
countrymen. They found by getting their little feet into banking, they
prospered during war. They were actually funding BOTH sides!
GNOMES AND BIG BUSINESS
As the 50's closed, the Gnomes became influential in big business.
Obviously plastics was their first hostile takeover, but soon they got
a stranglehold on one of the worlds most powerful resources...OIL! If
anyone got in their way when it came to shutting down or lessoning
profits for big business...the G.I.A. did anything and everything to
wipe out the enemy.
Look closely to the picture at the right. Recent high resolution
digital imaging has allowed us to rally see who was on the Grassy
Knoll!
A SNAG IN THE PLAN
The Gnomes, on their way to global domination encountered a snag in
1964. The onset and birth of the Plastic Pink Flamingo in 1957 had
become a threat here in the United States. The Gnomes were slowly
being replaced around the country with this non-intrusive and cute
bird. The Gnomes were being replaced at a furious pace, and an
emergency council meeting was called sometime in 1965(rumored to be
held in April at the Playboy Mansion, but no solid proof exists to
back up that claim). At this meeting, it was decided to develop a plan
to eradicate the Flamingo, whom they believed was a CIA plant designed
to oust the Gnome from power.
Although the Gnomes controlled the Unions in the US, plastics
companies, especially Union Products in Leominster, Ma would have
nothing to do with it. Unions were not allowed, and the Gnomes were
left puzzled as to how to stop the Flamingo Production! As time went
on, they realized that their longtime ally, China, could help. By
coercing China to produce the Flamingo at a ridiculously low cost by
using child and slave labor, they could force Union Products to go out
of business. Since the Gnomes had a majority ownership in Wal-Mart
stock, they convinced the Wal-Mart board of directors to buy the
cheaper Chinese Flamingo's instead. This along with rising costs to do
business inside the US (mainly due to rising Oil costs) forced Union
Products out of business in late 2006.
The Flamingo proved to be a worthy adversary, and an estimated 2.5
million Flamingo's were produced in the 49 years of it's existence.
Unfortunately, not many Flamingo's are left, thanks to the Gnomes
ownership in Waste Management, and the Gnome's underworld connections
which are responsible for tossing the Pink Bird into landfills across
the country. The Flamingo is not dead yet though, and there will be
more to come in the future as to a resurgence in the Flamingo, as well
as the use of technology and the internet to denounce the Gnome.
TENSION IN THE AIR
Another recent revelation about the long arm of the Gnome was
revealed with the picture below. I think we all knew that the Gnomes
were working alongside Al Sharpton, but there finally exists
photographic proof! By creating racial tensions in the US, the Gnomes
have been able to keep all citizens on edge, and keep an issue that
should have been solved long ago, in the forefront of everyone's mind.
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